Big Girls Don't Cry

There are many things I don't understand. I don't understand people who can't laugh, I don't understand people who take everything seriously, and I don't understand people who cannot appreciate the beauty in everything, be it honest or sad or funny or horrible or anything. I don't think I will ever be anything other than a fundamentally happy person. And I am lucky enough to know what to do to keep myself pretty happy. I know that I don't need to work hard to be happy, or to make a lot of money; all I need is music and laughter and my people. That's it. I do not understand the drive to work hard just for the sake of working hard. I do not understand wanting ALL the money. I would like enough money so that I do not have to worry, but that's highly unlikely. Music therapists do not get paid that much. I will work hard enough to reach my goal, and never so hard that I am not having fun. I've done that. Never again. I will always be the one encouraging everyone around me to relax, to take a break, to watch a movie, to sing a song, to stop and enjoy your family because they won't be around forever, to do what makes you truly happy because life is too short not to. That's what I understand. Finding ways to make yourself happy.

99 Problems, or The Night I Spent Alone At College

Everyone went home for Thanksgiving, but I'm staying this Wednesday night. I'll see my family tomorrow; it would be a waste for them to pick me up tonight. So...
After class I went to Trader Joe's and got: mac & cheese, blackberries, and banana bread for dinner/ breakfast. Sweet. That's balanced (ish) and will go with my Gilmore Girls/ New Girl/ misc. chick flick marathon splendidly.
I walked my friend out and said goodbye, and then decided that 3:12 pm was the perfect time for banana bread and coffee. I didn't bring a knife with me to college. I have 2 spoons and 2 forks and no knives. Or paper towels. Attempting to break off pieces of banana bread is thoroughly unproductive so I finally find a pocket knife, slice the bread, and proceed to lick crumbs off the knife (thankfully the not-sharp edge). I do not know what's happened to me today. Since I finished my papers yesterday, I've been in some sort of giddy, free-at-last sort of mood that I really should have saved for after finals. Alas. I take my kicks where I can.
Goddamn if I don't want to practice violin today. I should. It's not like I'm going to do anything else productive AT ALL for the next 4 days.
Tumblr. Y U No let me get things done?!
Also, I love peeling off sunburns, picking a scabs, etc. so it is exceedingly difficult for me to not pick at my healing tattoo. I want to peel it, and then I think about how mad I would be if I fucked up it's beauty forever by doing that.
Time with PhotoBooth, the most time-consuming/self-absorption promoting application ever.
Apparent new philosophy: eat ALL the food and do ALL the things in an attempt to put off practicing violin.
Exuberant, celebratory dance party commences.
Sweet, violin practice, check. It was good too.
Glee and yumminess. Gilmore Girls and yumminess. New Girl, SNL, and bed early.
It was so nice to spend a night alone. My first night totally alone in 2 months.

My Generation

I have never been more proud to be somewhere than I am now. Yesterday there was a rally to protest the police brutality/pepper spray incident, and around 5,000 people showed up. I have never seen anything as incredible. I stood alongside one of my TAs, listening to students speak on the recent events. Two of my professors emailed their students about what's going on and encouraging everyone to participate, or at least educate themselves on what's going on. Here, teachers can stand up for things along with their students in a way that can never happen in high school. Here, you can sit in the quad, you can sit in a tree, you can hold signs, you can sing, you can make art to stand up for what you believe in, and your teachers will stand up for it with you. There were women, men, and children of all races and ages. Alumni, freshman, grad students, little kids who were probably missing a day of elementary school. I love this, and I have to be a part of it. So I will be participating in the General Strike next Monday; I will be in the quad protesting the tuition increases and police brutality and injustice. I got to vote for it, and I will be there making it happen.

Crimson and Clover

What could be better than losing your virginity and then walking out into a hallway of people cheering for you? That's my favorite scene in Pirate Radio, when Carl loses his v-card to Marianne and he goes into the hall and the Count is giving a play-by-play to everyone listening on the radio. Losing your virginity is something that should be celebrated. I make cakes or deserts for my friends when they finally get it in. I'm even thinking about investing in a penis-shaped cake pan just for this reason, but then I realize that a penis cake would not apply to all my friends (but a vag cake pan would be gross), and the majority of my friends that I would bother to make a cake for have already lost it. Don't worry if you haven't, you will. You just have to start throwing your cat at more people I guess. Unless you want it to be special or some shit like that.

All You Need Is Love

Loving yourself is key. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and annoying shit they do and hang ups and complexes, but you can't let them get to you that often. Everyone has days where they're just like, "Good lord, I am such a self-absorbed fuck up. What am I doing with my life?" That's fine, but if you let that become your mindset all the time, you will be a very unhappy person.
Appreciate yourself and all you have to offer. Remind yourself of all your good traits until you feel better and don't have to think about it so much anymore. Make peace with your body. To quote one of my favorite movies (Connie and Carla): "Girlfriends, big or small, thin or fat, worship that body, 'cause it's the only one you've got." Life is too short to not eat all the chocolate I want. It really is. And I will die a happier person because I eat what I want, and do what I want.
I've made peace with myself, and I love myself. Do you?

Jesus Loves You But Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole

One day we're watching three movies in a row and eating a box of cookies and laughing like crazy fools and the next day we're all sitting in our own rooms studying like serious students and looking up scholarships and texting each other about finding an apartment for next year and what classes we're taking next quarter. College is like nothing else. You live with your friends and study with your friends and eat with your friends and go out with your friends and pretty soon you're closer to them than you are with people you've known for five years. Somehow you usually don't want to strangle them.
We're all together, but we're all by ourselves, too. I have to be in charge of all my own stuff now. If I can't figure it all out and get my own shit together then I end up fucked. Luckily, I am pretty good at keeping my shit together. I'm an obsessive list-maker, and an obsessive over-planner. Both of those qualities make it easy-ish for me to stay on top of things. Let's see how far they get me.

Pardon Me

When get my bike out of the racks in the morning now I always stop and smell the air. It's been changed for a few weeks now but I still love the smell each time as if it's brand new. The decaying yellow leaves I ride past remind me strongly of the place I used to go to sing and bond with some of the most special people in my life. I am reminded of the place and of them several times each day, and I always smile and send a little love and light their way and then drop it. Fall has been a time of new things for me: a time of new flannels, new boots, new music, new loves. I don't have a new boy this fall, and that's okay. Now is not the time for a boy to love, now is the time for listening to Mozart and making a powerpoint while my friends read and now is the time for taking time to sit outside and drink coffee and just think. The newness of this has worn off, but that's okay too. Fall is not a season of new things this year, it is instead a season of cozy comfort and family and turkey and scarves and mashed potatoes and preparing yourself for the cold ahead by figuring yourself out enough to not want to rip your eyes out when you're frozen alone with your thoughts in the middle of February.