If It Kills Me

It's strange for me to think about the people I used to be close to. There was a time when listening to "If It Kills Me" in the car with that boy made me happier than anything else did. He made me feel beautiful, and I had no idea I could feel that way. He introduced me to a lot of different ways of feeling, actually. I felt validated and grown up and loved and heartbroken and crazy. But he made me feel needed and he taught me that no one will ever really change. It was not a waste no matter what it was. I just wish I still knew him, that I still talked to him. Everyone is in your life for a reason, sometimes it's hard to tell when they're not supposed to be in your life anymore.

Jack and Diane

I love being happy. I'm happy most of the time, and I think it's because I always try to soak up all the enjoyment I possibly can. Here's what I've enjoyed in the last couple days:
Just talking to my coworkers and joking around while at work.
Petting my dogs. Since I'm leaving them way too soon I don't take being able to pet them for granted anymore.
Having a dance party in the dark with my friends.
Being able to cope with minor disasters so much better than I used to.
Listening to my parents sing at church.
Packing up my room.
Planning for my birthday and not needing a huge party anymore.
Doing nice things for other people.
Baking a delicious pie.

The thrill of living doesn't have to go away.

I Feel Fine

Yesterday I went to the beach with friends. I drove, which means that there will almost always be some sort of detour, incident, or otherwise unplanned adventure. I'm not a bad driver per se, but I have absolutely no intuition when it comes to directions. Our detour/incident of yesterday happened when, after driving down a wrong road not a forth of a mile from the beach, I insisted on turning around rather than backing out of the narrow road. I drove into a ditch and got the front of the car stuck. Pushing did not help, attempting to drive out did not help. So we hiked down the hill, found a pay phone, hiked back up to get change, and hiked back down to call triple A.
So we camped out on the side of the road to wait for the tow truck. We put down a blanket, we ate our sandwiches, and we talked. My friend brought out her guitar and she played. We ate Airheads, we told stories, we laughed, and we waved at every car that passed us, even though none of them stopped to ask us if we needed help. It was not at all what we had planned to be doing, but it was the best part of the day. It was a simple moment, but it felt so natural, like that was what was going to happen the whole time.

Edelweiss

While watching "The Sound of Music" I'm thinking about how I am proud of my German heritage. (And yes, I do know that it takes place in Austria.) In fact, when I went to Germany many years ago, all I would eat was sausage and chocolate (and broccoli, but that's beside the point), which proved my German-a-tude. If it had been appropriate to give beer to a six-year-old, I'm sure I would have loved that too. I love my German father, who, after all these years, still has not fully grasped English idioms. I love almost all of my relatives over there whom I have met, and I look very much forward to when I can go over on my own and experience it all. But what I really think about while watching this is how I wish I loved my country as much as Captain von Trapp loved his. He couldn't even get though "Edelweiss" without crying, because he knew that his homeland would never be the same again. I will never love America like that. It's too corrupt, too ruined, and has no sense of humor about it. I love California, but I was meant to live in a different time, and I should have been one of those old hippies who got burnt out on America and acid and became an ex-patriot somewhere glamorous, like France. I'll stay here for now, but if Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachman ever become president, forget it, I'm out of here. And on to Austria, with all the nuns.

Back When We Were Grownups

Alas, the title of this post is neither as song nor a bumpersticker. It's a book title that has fascinated me ever since I was little. I have not read the book, or any book by Anne Tyler, actually, but the title inspired such a mind-fuck in my young self that I just keep the thought of it in my brain and bring it out occasionally.
I think my discovery of this title was somewhere around the time when I discovered that my mother was an actual person. It sounds strange, but little kids have different perceptions of things, and I distinctly remember that one day I looked at my mom and thought "Holy guacamole, she's like, a regular person, with so many qualities similar to me that it is extremely freaky!" That last realization came later, but the first part is accurate. With this new insight, "Back When We Were Grownups" threw me for a loop. "What does that mean?" "Is there some age after 'grownups', like when people get reeeeeally old?" "Maybe grownups get confused too." And there it was. Adults also have no fucking clue what they are doing, just like kids (except you get guidance from your parents) and teens (who get guidance and then flail around anyway). And now I get to test this out, this grown-ups-get-confused-too revelation of my youth, in the way we all dream about: going to college and living away from my parents. I couldn't be more elated and terrified because I know I'm going to have no fucking clue, but this time I get to figure out everything for myself.

Move Along

Moving on and moving away. My friends are all leaving in the next week or so. I'm here for another month. So I'm organizing my itunes library. I have many other, better things I should do, but I feel like sitting here using my new headphones to listen to spiffy tunes. I have a lot of good music. Tons of excellent old rock. Aaaaand some wonderful songs from my middle school days, and even earlier. "Cry Me A River", anyone? One time I was watching "Jeopardy" with my grandma and the category was Crimea River and I thought it was THE FUNNIEST THING ever. Also, I love "Juliet"by LMNT, I could rock out to that all day erry day. It makes me happy and it makes me want to dance nerdily. So as all you poor kids are going back to school or moving, crank up the music and bust a sweet move.

The Times They Are A Changin'

Come mothers and fathers throughout the land, and don't criticize what you can't understand, your sons and your daughters are beyond your command, your old road is rapidly aging, please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand, oh the times, they are a-changin'.

Growing up and moving out. I cannot describe how excited I am. My whole life is changing, and it's changing how I want it to. I've waited for this for forever, and I really didn't think it would ever come. 

I went shopping for college things yesterday at Ikea, which is a wonderful place full of Swedish goodness (the meatballs!!) I got new sheets, a new pillow, towels. And those sheets, pillow, and towels symbolize something so big to me. I am grown up. I get my own life now. I can't wait to start. 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I am filled with disgust. Disgust for people close to me, disgust for people I used to know better than anyone else did, disgust for the way the government is, disgust for Sarah Palin (but that's nothing new). My disgust stems from disappointment, from being naive and thinking that things change, and from other people's complete ineptitude in certain aspects of their lives. It's interesting that I am not currently disgusted with myself. I am actually finally really happy with who I am and what I am doing with my life. Today I was crushed by the swift and steady hand of disappointment. I hate that other people are able to have such a strong hold over me. I hate that I feel too strongly about most things. It's wonderful when what I am feeling is overwhelming joy or love, and just terrible when what I am feeling is gut-wrenching grief or loss. I wish I could leave those feelings behind.

Now I know what all my English teachers were talking about when they told me that my essays are inconveniently organized. 

Tom Sawyer

I am a movie fan. I like my action movies, complete with stupid dialogue and giant explosions (nice trench coat, Neo). I like my horror movies with needless gore (props, Drive Thru) and stupid talking animals (really, Drag Me To Hell? The goat was really necessary?), and if it's a good horror movie, I enjoy it with fava beans and a nice Chianti. I really love my chick flicks, especially if there's a sing-a-long scene with a dude with lobster claws in the background and even more especially if J.T. is naked except for socks with Mila Kunis. But what I really love is I Love You, Man. I just love that movie. The wondrous comic acting of Paul Rudd and Jason Segal warms my heart, and it leaves everyone with a very important message: love your significant other enough to want them to have their own life. Haha, just kidding. That's stupid. The real message is, girls, give your man blowies.

Bangers, Beans and Mash

I feel left out a lot. I'm an only child, I played alone as a kid, blah blah blah, whine whine whine. As my best friend would say in a very obnoxious voice that's approximately two octaves higher than my actual voice, "I'm L and I like to complain a lot!!!" But I really do feel left out. Left out of jokes, of being a "cool kid" (which don't really want to be, I just would like to be acknowledged by them), left out of being someone's one and only.
I was recently someone's one and only, but it stopped being fun, and one thing I can't do is be in a relationship when it's not fun. Any relationship. If I stopped having fun with my mom, I would disown her as a mother, but that won't ever happen. He was just too different than me, wanted all different things than I do. He likes money, I like being happy. He LOVES cars, I have never given a great horse shit about them. I would rather talk about the news than cars. I just need my car to drive smoothly, blast good music and be able to have bumper stickers on it, and past that I really don't care.
Even though the relationship wasn't right at the end there, I miss being in one sometimes. I feel more in the loop when I have a boyfriend.