Countdown

So I was feeling very unsettled and unhappy earlier, while I sat in my anthropology class. I just didn't want to be where I was, or doing what I was doing. I wanted summer to be here and for it to be over simultaneously, and to never have to take classes again. I left my discussion section to bike downtown and wander around restlessly, kind of looking for a kind soul to tell me what was what and point me in a direction that I could be fully happy with. After getting a coffee and wandering in and out of several cool antique shops/ severely overpriced boutiques (considering that this is a college town), I went into a store called Himalaya Gifts. It was not the crippy-crap souvenir shop I expected. Instead, it was clean and bright and well-organized. I took a look at the books, and I noticed one called "Tibetan Meditation", and it became clear that I should start meditating. The things I was unhappy about are not things that I can change, so I must learn to accept them and be as happy in each moment as I possibly can. I need to calm my mind and chill my body out. And so I am learning to meditate. Wish me luck.

Call Me Maybe

This song is like so perfect for how I've felt this week. Light and bouncy and silly. It's a good day, today. I skipped class and got so much more done than I would have if I had gone to class. I went to work and got trained by a super nice guy. Everyone I work with seems really nice and chill so far, no one is like "Oh, you don't know how to set that up yet? What a loser." Plus, we had hella extra time at the end, so I got paid to sit in the office and read Cosmo. That's pretty awesome. I also got a discount for the restaurant I'm going to in Sac next week on my Bueller Day. I'm looking forward to watching Crazy Stupid Love tonight and going to UU dinner. And this weekend should be off the chain. Except I don't really say shit like off the chain. No, just kidding, I do. I'm a ridiculous person.

I Gotta Feeling

First off, this song title bothers me because it's a weird use of "gotta". Like yeah, that's what he's saying, but usually gotta means you've got to do something, not you got a good feeling.
Anyhoo, tonight is going to be a good night. Because even though it's not going to be what I was expecting the last couple of days, it will be eventful and memorable because I'll be spending it with my boyfriend, who I really like spending time with. I wish one of my best friends would be here too, but she needs to get away, and that's okay. We all need to get away from time to time. And tonight I will be getting away in alcoholllll.
People say not to use drugs and alcohol to escape from your problems/issues, and I get that doing that all the time would be bad, but goddamn if I don't only want to get drunk some Friday nights, man.

Right Here, Right Now

20 Things to do instead of my anthropology reading:
1) Read Thought Catalog, but only the articles that have numbers in the title
2) Make a birthday playlist for my mom. Realize how shitty music was in the '90s
3) Contemplate making an a cappella group
4) Buy toothpaste
5) Steal chapstick from the worst laid-out drug store on the planet
6) Go to anthropology class
7) Email old teachers
8) Try to get a summer job
9) Do my actual job
10) Find a receptacle in which to store my tattoo fund
11) Wonder why I don't have more useful things in my dorm room
12) Watch an episode of Gossip Girl
13) Be thankful my life isn't like Gossip Girl
14) Ask myself why the fuck I brought a clipboard to college but forgot paper towels. Consistently.
15) Listen to MJ
16) Tumble Fight Club-related things
17) Study German verb conjugation (I'd really rather do this than anthropology reading?)
18) Drink rum from my Barack and Michelle shotglass and eat stale Cheetos
19) Paint my nails a garish shade of yellow
20) Enjoy my colorful life

The Beautiful Letdown

I always feel a little let down when something I have been looking forward to for a long time is over. I had an awesome Picnic Day, but now I'm sad that it's over. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment, with my letdown, trying to figure out specifically why I want a friendship to end, and trying to map out the next three years of my college career. I'm also trying hard to be happy. I am happy, but it's a hard state to maintain. You have to do a lot of things right in order to be happy. I am really loving being with Ben, but I'm scared as fuck that I'm going to fuck this up too. I love college, but I'm afraid of going home for three months and what it will do to my relationships of all sorts. I'm scared of my future, no matter how certain I am of what I want to do. It's all very scary, so I have to try to not take it all in at once. I'm trying to do as many things right as possible, and I don't know how well I'm succeeding.

One Thing

Sometimes I just feel unsettled. Today, for instance, I feel unsettled even though I'm very happy. It's worst of course when there's something directly affecting me and causing me to be unsettled, but I'm quite affected by those close to me, so if they hurt, I hurt. There's tightness in my chest when my people are sad. My best friend, who I haven't seen in several months (which kills me) and who I haven't talked to much over the last week, just got her heart broken, and I can't be there to hold her as adeptly as she held me when I was hurting. I was always jealous that she was there so fast for her broken friends who needed her desperately; I am the strong one, but sometimes I need someone to help me too. I promised myself that I would be there for her when this day came, because I love her and because, as a best friend, you just have to know when to show up. I knew it would come, and I actually have flinched when thinking about it, because I knew it would rip her apart the way almost nothing else could. I believe that it was the right thing because she believes it was the right thing, but it kills me that I can't be there. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act, but I think my presence is actually comforting sometimes, so maybe that will be enough.
I love you so much, darling. it hurts like a motherfucker but it'll be okay eventually. I hope you'll let me sit with you and hold your hand.

The Kingdom

I'm fairly certain that I'm incapable of studying right now. I feel like I'm hungover. It's probably cause I was up till 3 last night cause I went to see The Hunger Games. It was awesome. I would like to watch it again. First I would like to sleep and watch a lot of TV, but I can't fall back asleep. Maybe I'll just watch some TV then.

That is all.