The Beautiful Letdown

I always feel a little let down when something I have been looking forward to for a long time is over. I had an awesome Picnic Day, but now I'm sad that it's over. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment, with my letdown, trying to figure out specifically why I want a friendship to end, and trying to map out the next three years of my college career. I'm also trying hard to be happy. I am happy, but it's a hard state to maintain. You have to do a lot of things right in order to be happy. I am really loving being with Ben, but I'm scared as fuck that I'm going to fuck this up too. I love college, but I'm afraid of going home for three months and what it will do to my relationships of all sorts. I'm scared of my future, no matter how certain I am of what I want to do. It's all very scary, so I have to try to not take it all in at once. I'm trying to do as many things right as possible, and I don't know how well I'm succeeding.

One Thing

Sometimes I just feel unsettled. Today, for instance, I feel unsettled even though I'm very happy. It's worst of course when there's something directly affecting me and causing me to be unsettled, but I'm quite affected by those close to me, so if they hurt, I hurt. There's tightness in my chest when my people are sad. My best friend, who I haven't seen in several months (which kills me) and who I haven't talked to much over the last week, just got her heart broken, and I can't be there to hold her as adeptly as she held me when I was hurting. I was always jealous that she was there so fast for her broken friends who needed her desperately; I am the strong one, but sometimes I need someone to help me too. I promised myself that I would be there for her when this day came, because I love her and because, as a best friend, you just have to know when to show up. I knew it would come, and I actually have flinched when thinking about it, because I knew it would rip her apart the way almost nothing else could. I believe that it was the right thing because she believes it was the right thing, but it kills me that I can't be there. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act, but I think my presence is actually comforting sometimes, so maybe that will be enough.
I love you so much, darling. it hurts like a motherfucker but it'll be okay eventually. I hope you'll let me sit with you and hold your hand.